I’ve been having some panicky moments recently.
They vary widely, but they are all about getting pregnant again.
That’s Amélie at 12 weeks. I remember thinking, ‘Oh thank God there’s a real baby in there, not a cat or something.’ Probably not my most lucid moment.
The three most common ones are:
1. Fear (‘I can’t do this again, I can’t do this again, no seriously I can’t.’)
2. Anger (‘Why me? Why can’t I have a normal pregnancy and not have to plan a military operation beforehand? What about my relationship with Amélie? Why does she have to suffer?’)
3. Depression (‘There’s no point in eating healthily or doing exercise because soon I’ll be in bed vomiting.’)
It’s really getting to me.
I listened to this song this morning, and it was so opposite to so many of my thoughts.
1. Love, instead of fear
“Come, tell me your trouble
I’m not your answer but I’m a listening ear
Reality has left you reeling
All facts and no feeling
No faith and all fear”
2. Peace, instead of anger
“I don’t know why a good man will fall
While a wicked one stands”
3. Hope, instead of depression
“You who mourn will be comforted
You who hunger will hunger no more
Oh, the last shall be first
Of this I am sure
You who weep now will laugh again
Oh, you lonely be lonely no more
Yes the last will be first, of this I’m sure”
It was very emotional for me to listen to. In the bible there are lots of Psalms that say a similar thing: “What is happening to me? Why is it happening? Why do bad things happen to ‘good’ people?”
I have always thought they should suck it up and stop whinging.
And now I finally understand why there are so many Psalms like that and why this song spoke to me so powerfully.
Because our lives are hard.
Everyone’s is, right? All in different ways.
Just because I am not in a war zone or in the midst of a famine or a tsunami, doesn’t mean my pain isn’t important.
It CONTEXTUALISES it of course.
But it doesn’t NULLIFY it.
And when I admit that my pain is real and hard, maybe I can finally move on.
And see that in the end, we will all die.
And then everything will be equal.
There will be no HG in heaven.
No child abuse.
And suddenly, I feel better.
I will probably have HG in this pregnancy, but it’s not forever.
It’s only a season. And in the end, this life will be worth the struggles.
(The song I have quoted is ‘Flags’, by Brooke Fraser. Listen to it if you get a chance. It’s lovely.)