I’ve been reading a book on fear recently.
I have to say, it’s amazing! It’s called ‘Fearless’, by Max Lucado.
Recently, becoming pregnant has become (all at once) my biggest desire and biggest fear rolled up together, baking in the oven of my mind on 180°c. Constantly.
No wonder I’m feeling burnt (out).
There are some women, that when I watch them, all I can think is: How can you be so peaceful, so relaxed? So fearless of the past and the present and the future?
I want to be one of those women.
I know that more than once I have put it down to personality, circumstance.
I know also that I have thought of peace as a destination, not a process.
But, as I try to put my own fears and anxieties to rest, I realise: It is a very active (not passive) process.
So one day I walk myself back from my anxious outpost, back to a place where the waves do not surround me high on three sides: I walk myself back with scripture, quotes, prayer, songs. But the next day I am out on the headland again.
And so there are days I don’t bother to come back.
You know those days? Those I’mgrumpyandIdon’thavetimetotalkorlaughorinteractIjustwanttowatchTVandblobaround days.
I have written a quote from ‘Fearless’, into a little notebook I’m preparing for pregnancy. It has encouraging quotes that I can walk myself back from the headland with.
Yes, it’s good to plan physically, but preparing my heart is more important.
And there’s no need to get paranoid!
And when I do get paranoid, I remind myself that in God’s timing I will or won’t get pregnant, and in God’s timing I will or won’t have HG, and he has planned it that way- not to be mean, or punish me, but for my good, and because he wants to care for my soul.
I try to think of Job 23:10: “For he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind.”
So, haltingly, I try to put my fears and anxieties to rest.
That is, sometimes I try, but other times, I stay out, on the headland in fear.
How I want to always walk back, with God, together saying: “Fear be gone!”