It’s Happened

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Two pink lines:

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Did you miss it?

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We are excited!

I’m only four weeks, and feeling great.

The funny thing is, that over the past 4 or 5 days since we have found out, a new fear has started to surface.

I’m feeling fine… Oh, God, I’m going to miscarry.

The silly thing is, that I am worrying because I am NOT feeling sick, not super excited that I’m feeling great!

I guess it just shows that you can worry about anything if you put your mind to it.

My little book of pregnancy encouragement has come into use.

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I want to trust, deep in my soul, that God knows what he has planned to come in this year, next year, and the rest of my life.

There are many such things in his mind, and pregnancy is just one of them.

So even if something goes wrong, he knows, and it will just be one of the many things to come that he will work for my good.

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Fear be Gone!

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I’ve been reading a book on fear recently.

I have to say, it’s amazing! It’s called ‘Fearless’, by Max Lucado.

Recently, becoming pregnant has become (all at once) my biggest desire and biggest fear rolled up together, baking in the oven of my mind on 180°c. Constantly.

No wonder I’m feeling burnt (out).

There are some women, that when I watch them, all I can think is: How can you be so peaceful, so relaxed? So fearless of the past and the present and the future?

I want to be one of those women.

I know that more than once I have put it down to personality, circumstance.

I know also that I have thought of peace as a destination, not a process.

But, as I try to put my own fears and anxieties to rest, I realise: It is a very active (not passive) process.

So one day I walk myself back from my anxious outpost, back to a place where the waves do not surround me high on three sides: I walk myself back with scripture, quotes, prayer, songs. But the next day I am out on the headland again.

And so there are days I don’t bother to come back.

You know those days? Those I’mgrumpyandIdon’thavetimetotalkorlaughorinteractIjustwanttowatchTVandblobaround days.

I have written a quote from ‘Fearless’, into a little notebook I’m preparing for pregnancy. It has encouraging quotes that I can walk myself back from the headland with.

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Yes, it’s good to plan physically, but preparing my heart is more important.

And there’s no need to get paranoid!

And when I do get paranoid, I remind myself that in God’s timing I will or won’t get pregnant, and in God’s timing I will or won’t have HG, and he has planned it that way- not to be mean, or punish me, but for my good, and because he wants to care for my soul.

I try to think of Job 23:10: “For he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind.”

So, haltingly, I try to put my fears and anxieties to rest.

That is, sometimes I try, but other times, I stay out, on the headland in fear.

How I want to always walk back, with God, together saying: “Fear be gone!”

Peace, hope and lots of love

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I’ve been having some panicky moments recently.

They vary widely, but they are all about getting pregnant again.

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That’s Amélie at 12 weeks. I remember thinking, ‘Oh thank God there’s a real baby in there, not a cat or something.’ Probably not my most lucid moment.

 

The three most common ones are:

1. Fear (‘I can’t do this again, I can’t do this again, no seriously I can’t.’)

2. Anger (‘Why me? Why can’t I have a normal pregnancy and not have to plan a military operation beforehand? What about my relationship with Amélie? Why does she have to suffer?’)

3. Depression (‘There’s no point in eating healthily or doing exercise because soon I’ll be in bed vomiting.’)

It’s really getting to me.

I listened to this song this morning, and it was so opposite to so many of my thoughts.

1. Love, instead of fear

“Come, tell me your trouble
I’m not your answer but I’m a listening ear
Reality has left you reeling
All facts and no feeling
No faith and all fear”

2. Peace, instead of anger

“I don’t know why a good man will fall
While a wicked one stands”

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3. Hope, instead of depression

“You who mourn will be comforted
You who hunger will hunger no more
Oh, the last shall be first
Of this I am sure

You who weep now will laugh again
Oh, you lonely be lonely no more
Yes the last will be first, of this I’m sure”

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It was very emotional for me to listen to. In the bible there are lots of Psalms that say a similar thing: “What is happening to me? Why is it happening? Why do bad things happen to ‘good’ people?”

I have always thought they should suck it up and stop whinging.

And now I finally understand why there are so many Psalms like that and why this song spoke to me so powerfully.

Because our lives are hard.

Everyone’s is, right? All in different ways.

Just because I am not in a war zone or in the midst of a famine or a tsunami, doesn’t mean my pain isn’t important.

It CONTEXTUALISES it of course.

But it doesn’t NULLIFY it.

And when I admit that my pain is real and hard, maybe I can finally move on.

And see that in the end, we will all die.

And then everything will be equal.

There will be no HG in heaven.

No child abuse.

No pornography.

No violence.

And suddenly, I feel better.

I will probably have HG in this pregnancy, but it’s not forever.

It’s only a season. And in the end, this life will be worth the struggles.

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(The song I have quoted is ‘Flags’, by Brooke Fraser. Listen to it if you get a chance. It’s lovely.)

Preparing for an HG Pregnancy

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A lot of the literature and commentary on the internet focuses on the negatives of HG.

That’s understandable, there aren’t really any positives.

However, as a person considering a second pregnancy, with a high likelihood of HG, I want to try and focus on the positives.

Like my attitude.

Did you know that just 10% of your happiness depends on circumstance?

Like preparing as best I can.

SO… how can you prepare for an HG pregnancy.

I started by making a list…

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One of the first items I ticked off was washing all of our baby clothes that Amélie had worn as a newborn, so I would be prepared if the baby was a girl.

This is what my washing lines on our balcony looked like!

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I’ve also returned all our library books (last time I racked up fines because I was too sick to return our books),

talked with my doctor about this clinical trial, and got a prescription for maxolon (to take as soon as I get a positive test),

bought a new pram,

and made sure Amélie has clothes that will fit until the end of my pregnancy so I don’t have to buy any.

Oh yeah, and I bought some pregnancy tests!

Wish me luck as I continue to trawl through my list (and hope I actually get pregnant!)